I often wondered, despite having a number of skills, I wasn’t successful. I could produce mind blowing artworks or writings but I feared showing them to the world. I did try though, about 2-3 times. However, I kind of failed.
Failure automatically made me question the merit of my work. I started to feel like I am not good enough. And the pressure started to set in.
I always justified my lack of academic achievement by stating I am an artistic person. And when my art started to go wrong, my excuses became useless.
Doubt very sneakily seeps into our minds. And once it gets in, it’s difficult to get rid of it
When someone asks me to do something for them, like design them a banner, I start to freak out. Doubt instantly comes in, and I start to question, will I be able do it right? Would they like it? What if they don’t? And as I keep asking, the pressure increases, the panic starts to set in and the ideas fade away.
It’s not just my work. Even a single facebook status makes me question myself 400 times. I go through every single person on my friendlist and wonder what each of them will think.
I am always living on the edge. Trying to figure out every single thing. How am I going to talk to them? How will my first day turn out? How will I design a logo? How will I make my dreams come true? Will I ever overcome anxiety? How will this turn out? What will happen next? And on and on.
Now I am at a point in life where I just want to be a hobbyist. I don’t want to work for anyone but myself. In my case, responsibility comes with distress and I just want peace. I want to fulfill my artistic cravings and I don’t want to worry about opinions. Because there are just too many.
I might come out of my shell one day. At least not now. Not until I fix myself.
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